My dad has died recently. I’ve yet to cry. Not at the news. Not at the funeral. Not at all. He overdosed on something. Cocaine. Heroin. I don’t know what he was addicted to. Because of his problem I chose not to see him. The last thing I said to him was I didn’t want to see him. The last thing he told me was that he loves me.

Do I feel bad for not seeing him? No. Should I? Maybe. I wouldn’t know. But he knew he couldn’t get away with both having drugs and me in his life. But what I don’t know was if it was having the drugs or the absence of me that actually killed him.

He had multiple children. Me along with 2 sons and a daughter all before me. I’ve never met them. I was the only one truly in his life though. He had no contact with them and neither do I. I don’t plan on ever meeting them.

Now I’m back in the desert of Kuwait, performing menial tasks for people that don’t have things straightened out. Feeling like everything that goes on around you is a waste of time doesn’t really help in a situation like this. But my time is occupied by having absolutely no privacy.

There are times where I feel like I’m about to break down at any given moment and then I never do. I want someone to talk to. But what for? I wouldn’t know what I would say. And I sure don’t like any of my peers well enough to talk to them. I do find myself more comfortable around the older soldiers but they aren’t about to be wasting their time with a younger guy.

The army treats it’s soldiers well. Very well. However I have yet to like anything I’ve done in it. My dad was a veteran. But judging by how things went in his life I get the feeling he didn’t take much advantage of that. I don’t want to be like that, like him. I want to spend less time in the military than he did and be vastly more successful.

It’s a double-edged sword in the end. No longer is the man who forced me to sprint down the streets of Seattle in the middle of the night because we were running from someone he imagined in his high. No longer is the man who threatened multiple times to beat my ass for telling him no one in Marysville is out to get me and it’s safe for me to go to my friends house. No longer is the man who caused me to sleep in a police station waiting for my mom to pick me up as he was sent to jail. And on the other end of that double edged sword, stabbing me; no longer is my dad.

Tonight was pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself.

Last minute, late night session at the Clarks house left me feeling bruised and injured. Particularly my wrists and forearms.

Blah I need a good workout to counter act all this holiday food.

Not because it’s sleep depriving but people seem to be more sad in the middle of the night.

It’s as if the absence of the sun has taken the light out of their life. But it’s there. They just can’t see it.

I think I should be following more people…but I have no idea who is on tumblr.

I feel terrible yet I have become so used to covering it up I’m not sure myself most of the time.

The more I stay at home the more tension I feel between me, my mom and my step dad, even if it IS non existent. I have to honestly say, I don’t think I’ve ever felt at home since I moved to Marysville. I think that may be why I prefer to be at a friends house over my house at any given time. At least when I’m there, I have a friend there too.

I think I would much prefer I was able to just go somewhere else up until Christmas.

But even then, when I do see all of my family there’s something to remind me of why I don’t want to spend time with them.

All I can do is try to think about the better, present that this holiday will be and the much better future soon to come.

I will try my damndest to live all over the world before I live back here.

I can not wait to have a home of my own. A real home not just a house I live in. A woman would be nice too. Of course I could go for a woman anytime. ;) Haha jk I need to sleep, eat and workout at some point.

This is for you, reader <3

milesmango:

Been gone for WAY to long!

I actually found this one funny.

I think your girlfriend is really swell, you should stay with her for a long while.

Ricka-ricka- REMIX!

1 month away till my life starts. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be simply to be waiting on my life to begin… I will be making a difference in my life and helping out the country. Maybe there’s something I will be able to do before I leave for the army to make a difference here locally, on a smaller scale?

coreyconstable:

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Yeeeeah the only reason I re-posted this is to say that this is bullshit and this guy doesn’t have any actual evidence to prove that the U.S. is going downhill.

For one, the economy hit it’s low point TWO YEARS AGO and is stable now, continuing to get better. People completely are blind for some reason to everything Obama has done for the nation JUST because he hasn’t done every single thing he said he was going to do. But what politician has done everything they promised he would do? NO ONE. Given the circumstances, Obama has had a more productive first two years than any president since Lynden Johnson.

For two, he brings up The Great Depression and also says we would be screwed when we go to war. What he FAILS to bring up is WAR is exactly what brought us out of the depression, WWII to be exact. So even if we do go into a depression-like period (which isn’t likely to happen if you check the path of our economy), a war with N. Korea would stabilize it once again as was done in WWII. What happened after WWII? The 1950’s, one of the best periods of time for our nation economically. This isn’t the only time to happen either. 60’s were not so great for most of the country when it came to the economy and what happened? Vietnam happened. We didn’t even WIN that war and the period following (late 70’s and 80’s) was another example of a great time economically.

For three, is he REALLY going to think that N. Korea, a country that hasn’t had any connections with other nations in who knows how long stand a chance against the U.S? The nation with the worlds largest military? Sure, N. Korea may have weapons of mass destruction but I’m willing to bet the U.S. has more than any other nation in the world.

Either this guy believes he knows what he is talking about and really doesn’t, is just trying to scare a bunch of people away from the U.S. or buy passports, or is scared himself because he doesn’t really understand. I think he might just be trying to get a bunch of followers. Or maybe he just has so much dislike for his own country he’s trying to get other people to see it as a bad country. If that last reason is the case I think he should try living in any one of the countries in Southeast Asia, Western Asia, Southern Asia the Middle East, Eastern Europe, most of Africa, South America, or Middle America. I would much rather prefer to live in the States than most of the world and I guarantee so would most other people.

I don’t have anything against the guy, I just believe he has a very uneducated opinion.